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Oof, I definitely didn’t meet my resolution to do this once a day…

Also, how heavy have all my posts been since? I feel like the minute I decided to get “serious” about my writing I got waaaay too serious in terms of content. 

In order to lighten things up here is a picture of my friends crotch after he spilled a beer on it and it looked he pissed himself!

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My grandfather was a great man. 

He was quiet, but oh so clever and intelligent. If he spoke you knew it was worth hearing. 

He could spend hours lost in his own thoughts, only emerging every once and while to say yes to a cup of tea or to point out a bird in the distance. 

He loved nature, and dedicated his life to studying and preserving it. 

He loved my grandmother and their three daughters. 

He traveled the world. 

He was an ambulance driver in WWII, something that he couldn’t or wouldn’t talk almost up until his death. 

He had to slow down because of a stroke about 15 years ago. 

He didn’t let it stop him. 

He loved taking walks, and no matter where he was he always seemed to find something amazing. 

It’s been nearly four months but sitting here I can still hear his voice. 

I miss him. 

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So much for resolutions. 

I have a really bad habit  in which I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere at anytime. All of a sudden I shut down, like someone pulled my plug or something. Usually it’s instantaneous and I’m out before I can do something about it. 

But at its worst, when I’m most aware of my nodding off, it’s like drowning. It becomes a fight to keep my head above the water, darkness punctuated by moments of clarity. Bright points in which all I can do is hope that this time is the time it sticks. 

It’s not that I don’t want to sleep, sometimes it’s all I want. To slowly sink into the ether and feel all my tension bleed out of me like poison leaving the body. 

The problem is when I can’t or don’t want to be asleep but my body has decided otherwise. Then, no matter how hard I scream, or sing, or slap myself, it always comes. Slowly surrounding and engulfing me, when I’m at parties, or in a public place, or driving. I hate it and all I can do is try and tread water a little harder. 

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   I’ve resolved to try something new. Once a day I am going to try and write something, anything. Whether it be a sentence or an entire manifesto (it will never be an entire manifesto), I’m going to try and flex a muscle that hasn’t seemingly been used since I was required to do it for a grade. 

   It seems fitting that the first thing I write about is the reason I decided to do this exercise in the first place. I’ve been thinking about my life so far, a brief existence to be sure but still long enough that there is something to reflect upon. In doing so I can’t help but be troubled by what a big role fear and consuming have in my day to day routine. 

   When it comes to making choices it is safe to say I look before I leap. The problem is too much much time is spent looking, to the point where it’s almost all I do. There is no leap. I spend so much time worried about failure and getting hurt that I never get around to actually doing anything for fear that any decision done without the upmost certainty of success will lead to loss and pain. So there is all this time spent in almost absolute indecision with nothing being done. Which is worse than loss and pain, because at least when you fail or get hurt you learn, and have an opportunity to make yourself stronger. Your more likely to find missed opportunities and regret living in constant indecision than you are answers.

   It’s very easy these day to get lost in the amount of media and entertainment that’s out there. Shit, a person could spend a lifetime on Netflix and still have four more seasons of “Mad Men” to catch up on. I’m afraid I have fallen into a bit of a consumer rut. Hours are spent looking at shows, products, and articles, constantly consuming information and entertainment. Yet I myself never put anything out into the world in return. Yes, I have a job and I pay bills, but is it enough to do the bare minimum? I have ideas and ambitions that are laying around unused instead of being put out there for the world to consume for itself. There needs to be more give and take in this relationship I have with the universe, and for that to happen I need to give the universe something it can take and use. 

   Boy, this turned into more of a manifesto than I meant it to be. I’ll try not to make this exercise all about me because (as good as I seem to be it at) I’m not crazy about tooting my own horn constantly. This was cathartic and hopefully something good comes out of all this.

But I won’t know until I’ve tried. 

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Miami is a gilded cage in a free fall

beautiful but oppressive

exhilarating but stifling

so close to flying free but constantly being dragged down

and yet

if you stop thinking

you can fool yourself into thinking you’re in flight

its easy enough

at least until you hit the ground

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daft punk is playing. we’re in the backseat 

you stop for a moment and look at me 

"this is nice"

and it is nice

just like that everything changes

just like that I wish you weren’t leaving in two weeks

just like that I need something more

something neither of us is ready to give

life stops for no one

but now we hold on

to each other 

to this moment

to this song on the radio

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Fun Fact

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When you hear the term “city that never sleeps”, the first place to pop into your mind is New York, right? Well, as I sit here, eating a sandwich in Brickle at nearly 5 in the morning, I can’t help but think Miami also qualifies for that title. My sleep habits in the last month or so have been a bit…irregular. Despite that, the city has been more than accommodating in finding me ways of entertaining myself in the wee hours of the morning when I should be home in bed, and with plenty of company as well. NIghtlife in Miami, it would seem, isn’t afraid of a little thing like the sun coming out.

And there is nothing like that moment when night turns to day. One minute everything’s dark and still, and then all of a sudden it just hits you, the light, and you feel like a cold wind is going through your entire body. Weird sleep patterns aside, it’s f-cking awesome watching the world wake up before your eyes. 

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This just happened, and it was amazing.

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This should cover it right?